From 2003 up until 2007, I was lucky enough to have “movie reviewer” as my job description. As such, I’ve built up a *lot* of reviews for just about every movie that came out during those years, as well as reviews of classic movies.
So, I give you my very first regular feature: The Barenaked Archives. These are reviews that I did for SIN or Hollywood Elsewhere (or both). Sadly, SIN and my column on HE are both gone, so this is now the only place online you can see these old columns.
Just for the record, this one was written as a joke.
Hi!!!!! I’m Chrystle Camylle Kane (Cece to my friends but not to you losers!) and I’m thirteen years old and this is my first movie review EVER!! Bet you can’t tell! I got to go see Aquamarine and now I get to tell you all about it!!
So, I like totally loved this movie. I mean, hot guys, a mermaid, and omigod JoJo in her first movie ever? It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s about JoJo and her best friend, Claire, who live in Florida, but JoJo’s mom is about to move them to Australia or New Zealand or something, which is totally not cool. She won’t let JoJo stay with Claire till she’s 18. Completely unfair! My mom’s the same way.
Anyway, JoJo is spending the night at Claire’s house and there’s a huge storm that washes a tidal wave into the pool, and it turns out it washed a mermaid in there too! Her name is Aquamarine and she does weird things like eat salt and her fingernails change color with her moods. At first JoJo and Claire are really scared of her, but then they make friends with her.
It turns out that mermaids, like, don’t believe love exists, but Aquamarine does, but if she can’t prove it to her father in three days then she’ll have to marry this totally horrible guy. So JoJo and Claire have to help her! Because if you help a mermaid, you get a wish, and they can wish for JoJo to not move away! Personally, I’d wish for my parents to let me date and for that cute guy in third hour history to finally notice me. I’ve only been flirting with him for, like, five months! Guys are sooooo dense.
Anyway, Aquamarine decides that she loves this guy Raymond, who works as a lifeguard at the beach. He is totally hot. He’s got wavy blond hair and he’s soooo buff. And because he’s a lifeguard, he spends so much time without a shirt! OMG!! He’s got the most beautiful body I’ve seen in my entire life. Plus, he’s not a jerk like the other guys he hangs around.
So, to help Aquamarine get Raymond to fall in love with her, JoJo and Claire have her read all these magazines like Seventeen and Cosmo. Which is totally what I would’ve done. Those things are, like, foolproof in how to get a guy.
But there’s this other girl, Cecelia, who’s a complete witch, and she wants Ray. She’s one of those snobby rich popular girls, and she and her friends are so horrible to JoJo and Claire! They’re completely evil. I wish more bad things had happened to her.
But anyway, everything turns out good in the end, even though it’s totally not what you’d expect. It’s all about friendship and stuff and it’s really, really happy! It’s, like, the best movie I’ve seen since When a Stranger Calls (omg SO SCARY!). Everybody should watch it.
Cece Kane is an eighth-grader at Cleveland-Garfield-Polk Middle School. She’d like to give a shout-out to her friends Kayley, Kymbirley, and Clowey, and says “Go Meerkats!”